Mirrored Closet Doors

I remember the first time My Hero and I walked through the house that has since become our home.  As we made our way to the guest bedrooms I chuckled when I saw the mirrored sliding closet doors.  The highlight of my childhood summers was going to the beach.  We stayed in the same condo for years and the room my sister and I shared had mirrored sliding closet doors.  Every summer, without fail, she and I would stand half-in/half-out of the closet, lift our outside arm and leg up and down while we pretended to be flying.  Laughter from that little room poured into the entire condo.

Once the memories faded and I returned back to the present, I wasn't too excited that those eye-sore doors were going to be in my house.  Beach condo?  Sure.  My home?  Not so sure.  We liked the rest of the house enough that the closet doors weren't a deal-breaker.

Fast forward 5 years and two children later.  Those mirrored doors that I once ignored in hopes that they would disappear have actually become one of my favorite parts of my daughter's room and my son's room.

While I was pregnant with Addison, the closet mirrors proudly showed off my growing baby belly each time I'd linger in her room.  After she was born I remember holding her nestled into my chest, gazing in the mirror and thinking, "The picture I see in this mirror is exactly what I have dreamed of for so long."  Tonight, I snuggled in bed next to my 3 1/2 year old Addison, looked in the mirror, and saw a beautiful, freshly-bathed, blond-haired little girl reading books with her Mommy.  I noticed fingerprints on the mirrors.  How many times have I cleaned those fingerprints that are gradually reaching higher and higher with the passing years?  I thought back to all the times My Hero and I have tickled her, sang to her, and prayed over her each night.  The mirrors give a wonderful perspective into my treasured mothering moments.

After I nursed my little 10 month old Levi this evening I stood up to hold him and sing my favorite "lullaby," God is So Good.  As always, I held him close and swayed back and forth while his heavy head rested on my shoulder and the weight of his jammied baby body molded into me.  I looked to my left and took in the ceiling to floor image displayed on the mirrors.  My sweet, sweet boy.  A year ago I stood in this same spot, looked in the mirrors, and smiled as I saw how he rounded me and filled me.  Now he fills my arms.  His legs fall past my waist and the weight of him is evident by my upper body strength.  My mind raced forward.  I see an adventurous little blond-haired boy skipping rocks across a lake, trying to get his smooth stones to jump farther than Daddy's.  His once "Mama-only" eyes are now enthralled and in awe of his Daddy who is not only My Hero, but has become his too.  I imagine him coming home from soccer practice, sweaty, dirty, and smelly.  In my present moment I wrap my arms around my baby boy a little tighter, feel his velvety soft, smooth skin, and breathe in his Aveeno baby wash heavenly smell.  I envision the handsome face of my 12 year old boy-man fighting to be brave after he gets hurt and the sting and tightening in my throat as I know that a kiss on his “boo boo” won’t make it all better any more.  I see his kind eyes and gentle smile being extended to serve someone and show God's unconditional love in a tangible way.  I will continue to be his greatest cheerleader and encourager but it will be for far grander things than learning how to take his first steps and how to say "ball," "mama," "dada," and that a cow says "moo".  I imagine him proudly sitting behind the wheel of a car the day he gets his license and watching his hand wave goodbye as I slowly walk into the house, get down on my knees, and pray fervently.  I touch his baby hands…so squishy and soft.  They fit in the palm of my hand, but I can tell that he already has big, strong boy-hands.  I hold his hands tight and pray over them.  I can’t imagine this not-even-a-year-old baby of mine leaving for college or falling in love, so I stop my dreaming there and fully return to the present.  I cling to my boy and let the picture the mirror captures burn a forever image into my mind.  Oh this Mama's heart aches as I know one day I won't be able to hold him close and kiss his pillow-cheeks all day long.  One day I'll look in those mirrors and see a completely different image and I know that the present image will always hold an incredibly dear place in my heart.  Yes, the joy is in the journey, but these fleeting days are precious and I love mothering my baby.

Two weeks ago we joined my family for the highlight of the summer: our beach trip.  No, the fancy house we stayed in was not adorned with mirrored sliding closet doors, but that's okay because I have them at home.  One day soon I'll teach Addison and Levi how to fly.  Until then I'll continue holding my babies close and gazing into the images the mirrors reflect day after day.

********************************************************************

Yet again, thank you, Mom and Dad, for a perfect week at the beach.  Truly, it was a perfect week.

Blessed beyond measure....

A Small Step to Raising Thankful Kids

Thankfulness doesn't come naturally to children, at least from what I've observed these past 3+ years of being a mother.  "Thank yous" need prompting and some days I'm unsure how to reach her heart so she will view her every day blessings not as expectations, but as gifts from God.  Did we have a dry, safe bed to sleep in last night?  A gift.  Did you get to play on the playground with a friend?  Another gift.  What about that yummy breakfast, lunch, and dinner you ate?  Keep counting those gifts!  The list goes on and on and on. 

I read Ann Voskamp's post sharing insight on how to help raise grateful kids and raising happier kids.

I love this...

Because what will the math really matter if they are bitter?

If the house is immaculate — but my attitude a mess?

If they can count — but they don’t know how to count all things as joy?

If we get the lists done, but have lost happiness in Him?

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Phil. 4:8).

Focusing on what is beautiful, good, true –isn’t this the truest education?

*****************************************************************

So this past week, Addison and I began counting gifts.  I started by weaving the term "gifts from God" and being thankful throughout our days.  Then one night before bed I gave her a very special notebook and described to her that we are going to start writing down our gifts.  She was very excited and had many ideas!  I wrote down exactly what she said.  This week we are starting to keep our book close by throughout the day so we can write down gifts as we recognize them.  At the end of each day I write "Mommy is thankful for...." and I focus on a character trait that Addison displayed throughout the day.  Was she extra kind to her brother?  Did she share her toys?  Did she listen first time when I said it was time to come inside?  I'm hoping to show her that gifts are not always tangible items.  And soon I'll start talking to her about the not-so-fun parts of life that are also gifts (ex. laundry!). 

I'm looking forward to finding more ways to help her view her life through the lens of "I don't deserve this" and everything truly is a gift in hopes that she will BE the gift to others. 



Becoming a True Servant Mother

About a month ago, I found myself the weariest I've ever been in my role as a mother. 

Work has taken My Hero away more than ever (not at all by his choice!), my 3 year-old daughter was anchored to the summit of a mountain of defiance, independence, and disobedience, and my 7-month old woke up from each nap at the 30 minute mark and still hadn't slept through the night.  Unlike his usual easy-going, content self, he was grumpy and whiny.  In light of this, I found myself more than exhausted, joy-less, and in complete survival mode for a few days.

Thanks to my word for 2013 - pray - I have constantly been reminded that my posture needs to be kneeling at the feet of Jesus.  Yes, I pray that Addison will embrace guidance and be cheerfully obedient.  I pray that Levi would peacefully sleep at nap time and throughout the night.  But my most important prayer, God, please change me.  Despite the ups and downs of these fleeting days, I want to radiate your JOY, PATIENCE, LOVE, and GRACE to my family.

God answered my prayers and I am changed.  Because of Him, I have been given a new lens to view my role as a mother and I am FILLED with JOY.  Despite a challenging day with a strong-willed toddler or a baby boy who has trouble sleeping, I am overflowing with JOY. 

How? 

Gift #770 (from my last post): 770. Serving my children all day with no expectations of anything in return (a glimpse into the heart of Jesus, who "made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant." -Philippians 2:7). The difference: this is not easy for me and my selfish heart screams for recognition and acknowledgement. 

 As I've transitioned from one to two children, I've realized that my "me time" has drastically declined, especially since Levi isn't a consistent sleeper.  I thrive on alone time, but the feeling of entitlement to a few moments to myself each day began to interfere with my heart behind serving my children.  If they happened to sleep/have quiet time simultaneously, I didn't view those moments as a gift from God, but something that I deserved.  And when I don't have that time (which is most days), I ended up feeling frustrated and the sooner it was bedtime the better.

Jesus was the perfect example of a servant.  I wrestled as I thought about His example and how I could reflect that nature to my sweet babies.  Mainly, I struggled with my own selfishness and pride - "Not a moment goes by each day where I'm not serving, don't I deserve to be rewarded with some time to myself?"

No.  I don't.  Grace and mercy.  God does not treat us as we deserve, and how thankful I am!!

My role as a mother is to serve, love, and guide my children.  Mothers are called to make huge sacrifices as we raise our children.  It isn't easy and it isn't glamorous, but saying "yes" to children means saying "no" to many earthly desires while at they same time we say "yes" to making an eternal impact.  When I serve them, I serve them out of appreciation and love for Jesus who was the perfect example of a servant.  I serve them, expecting nothing in return, because the love I have for them is selfless and pure.  Even on those usual days where I am meeting one need to the next and I can hardly catch my breath, let alone sit down for a quiet moment alone, I am filled with joy.  I love serving my spunky daughter and my charming son.  What a gift it is to be their Mama!  What a gift to be home all day with them.  What a gift that I have the most influence in their lives right now.  What a gift of peace I have about not sending Addison to preschool simply so I can have some time to myself.  What a gift of renewed energy and creativity I've been given as I step up to be an even better mother.  What a gift the present is as they will be grown much too soon and I'll long for these chaotic days again.

Not long after I finally let go of my selfish desires, My Hero was gone for a week on a "business" trip ("business" and "fire department" usually aren't used in the same sentence!), which was the longest we've been apart in the almost 6 years we've been married.  Before, I would have had a very difficult time managing everything around the house and taking care of my little loves while keeping a positive attitude.  Even though it was certainly a challenging week with two sick children, I can honestly say that I missed my husband not because of the extra help he gives, but because I missed being with him.  I missed his presence.  The joy I woke up with and went to bed feeling each night surprised me, but excited me as I was fully present with my children from before the sun went up until after it went down.  Why did I cling to my own selfish desires for so long?  I had been missing so much!  Was I tired?  Oh yes!  Exhausted, but that's when Nehemiah 8:10 came to mind, "the joy of the Lord is [my] strength."

And do you know what?  Two days in a row Levi took a 3 hour nap!!!  Even better than that, I thanked God for that unexpected gift instead of having an attitude of "finally!" 


***********************************

And for a laugh...his cheesy, camera smile....

Now a few not-as-funny but still oh-so-sweet faces...

Counting

758. Thoughts from church...Grace opens the heart to truth. 

759. Three years with our little girl...what a gift!

760. Weary, frustrated tears after an unusually challenging day alone with the children.  A reminder that I cannot, but "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."  -Philippians 4:13

761. 60 degrees, sunny, and an entire day with my little family

762. His sparkly, blue eyes that twinkle even on the rainiest days

763. My daughter's example of complete forgiveness after she was wronged

764. My husband's strength perfectly entwined with his gentleness

765. Books

766. My baby boy still needing his Mama throughout the night - must be God's way of giving me more opportunities to exercise my word for 2013 all day and night. 

767.  Words of Ann Voskamp- Prayer is more important than breathing because souls are more important than life.

768. The tension between valuing the earthly over the eternal - I am slowly allowing God to erase my desire for the things the world places as important/essential.  All I need is Him and to be able to close my eyes at night knowing my day made an eternal difference.

769. Letting go of feeling like I deserve quiet, alone time at some point each day.  I don't deserve anything. 

770. Serving my children all day with no expectations of anything in return (a glimpse into the heart of Jesus, who "made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant." -Philippians 2:7)  The difference: this is not easy for me and my selfish heart screams for recognition and acknowledgement.

771. The joy of giving my copy of One Thousand Gifts to a new friend after she said, "You are the third person who has recommended that book to me!"  Excited to hear how God uses it to change her life!

772. A very special treat - Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookie n' Oreo Fudge Brownie Bar

773. The love my two little loves share

Another Stocking

This time last year I was busy finishing the final stitches on Addison's stocking.  As I mentioned in this post, my Grandma began making these beautiful needlepoint stockings back in 1973.  Starting a brand new stocking for our new baby boy brought so much excitement as I imagined how proud my Grandma would have been.  Seeing her great-grandson and another stocking would have meant so much to her.  What a joy it is to continue this tradition and to remember what an amazing woman my Grandma was!

A HUGE thank you to my mom for getting the stocking started and doing all of the hard work!  Now I just have to go back and fill in the backgrounds...as easy as it is, my both-hands-free moments are few and far between these days.  I doubt it will be finished by Christmas, but I am going to try!

And the sweet little boy this stocking belongs to.  Oh, how he melts my heart...

Counting gifts...

810. A new stocking representing a precious new life that has been entrusted to our family.
811. Honoring my Grandma and remembering her legacy.

Intentional in the Unexpected

In January 2012, I chose "intentional" as my word to focus on this year.  I knew being intentional would be important as I transitioned to a mother of two from a mother of one in July.  I also wanted to be intentional about finding healthy dinner recipes to support My Hero as he overcame his high cholesterol.  I planned to learn more about photography, create weekly learning experiences for my daughter, and schedule monthly date nights.  I have been intentional in all of these areas throughout the year and I have grown and learned so much.  Yet, I was not prepared for the change in my husband's job and how that forced me to learn how to be even more intentional with our finances.  I wasn't anticipating a friend going through a very difficult time and again, learning how to be intentional with my love and support for her.  At the beginning of the year I never imagined my sister and brother-in-law would be moving halfway around the globe for two years and that our communication would have to become intentional rather than just as natural as breathing.  It never once crossed my mind that I'd have to be intentional about gently and boldly leading my daughter to heal and trust dogs again after an incident that could potentially scar her emotionally and physically for the rest of her life.

I wasn't prepared, but God was preparing me.  These verses have been a comfort to me this week....

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." -Proverbs 19:21

Despite the unexpected pain (and opportunities for growth) I am experiencing, God was not surprised.  Not only was he not surprised, He was preparing me (without me even knowing it) for the struggles ahead.  He taught me to be intentional in areas I hadn't expected.  God's purposes always prevail and His plans are good and perfect.  Jeremiah 29:11 describes His plans as ones that will "prosper you and not harm you.....give you hope and a future."  I've struggled with that a good deal this year...how can His plan be prosperous, perfect, and full of hope when so much hurt and pain are involved?  In those moments, I have leaned into the truths from the Bible presented in One Thousand Gifts, and I have continued to count my gifts, even especially amidst the confusion and pain.  The hard eucharisteo.  And I remember that God sees the big picture.  I only see a few small pieces of the puzzle.  But now I'm seeing how a few of those pieces fit together snuggly, securely, and perfectly.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.  "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.   ...You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.  Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.  This will be for the Lord's renown..."  -Isaiah 55:8-9, 12-13

The good days, the not-so-good-days

The easy days,
the stressful, I-only-have-two-hands-but-need-ten days

The days full of smiles and laughter,
and those of whining and tears

The good nap days,
The sleepless days

The cheerfully obedient days,
The strong-willed, defiant days

The fun days,
The boring days

The sunny outdoor days,
The rainy, indoor days

The clean house moments,
The crumbs, overflowing laundry baskets, and my-house-looks-like-Toys-R-Us-days

The "yes" days,
The "NO!" days

The days we leave the house minutes before scheduled,
The days we leave the house minutes after scheduled

The days of adventure while exploring something new,
The quiet days spent learning within the walls of our home

The forgiving days,
The asking for forgiveness days

And every day in between....
Allowing God to teach me how to extend grace and love because He IS Grace and Love.

----------------------------------------------------------------

833. Overflowing with thankfulness for our two blessings, the privilege of being home with them each day, and for God's example of grace and love.